5 things to know before you hire remote talent for your business
Ext. A Long Island Beach – Late Afternoon
We see the back of a blond-haired, thin, tall man sitting on the sand and muttering inaudibly.
Music slowly builds as we pass over two gun-toting policemen closing in on him in extreme slow motion.
Policeman 1: NYPD, open up!!
Policeman 2: This is a BEACH, Gary.
Gary: Yeah, and I’m asking him to open up to us. You should take therapy.
Policeman 2 (talking to the sitting man): Sir, all your employees confirmed that you strangled your $500,000 per year creative designer to death after he asked for a deadline extension? Can you tell us about what happened, sir?
Sitting man (hereafter to be called CEO): Aren’t you going to read me my rights before you get me to confess?
Policeman 2: We have a few questions we’d like to ask, sir. You’re free to refuse to respond.
CEO: What questions?
Gary: Did you ever think of trying to hire remote creative talent?
CEO: Hire remote creative talent?
Policeman 2: Yes, or hire offshore creative talent.
CEO: I didn’t even know you could hire offshore creative talent.
Gary: Of course you can hire remote talent, hire offshore creative talent, and, actually, also hire top offshore creative talent.
CEO: I would love to hire offshore creative talent.
Policeman 2: Then why didn’t you at least try to hire remote creative talent?
CEO: Like I said, I didn’t know I could hire (whimpers) … hire remote creative talent.
Gary: You’re scaring him. Read him his rights first.
Policeman2: Sir, I’ll speak slowly and loudly. The first right is the Right to Remain Remote. If you hire remote talent, you will have to be comfortable with 100% remote work.
CEO: Of course, I don’t even know how my colleagues look.
Gary: The second right. Any creative roles you have can and will be open to remote employees. Because that’s how you optimize your workforce, that’s why you’re looking to hire remote creative talent in the first place.
CEO: All my marketing team work from their bathrooms so.
Policeman 2: The third right. You have the right to open communication. Insist on video conferences if that’s what works for you, or look for tools that make remote work easier.
Gary: The fourth right. If the remote employee cannot afford a workstation, one must be provided.
CEO (now eating an ice cream cone): This sounds easier than paying for my team’s inspiration-seeking trips to Venice every autumn.
Gary: Finally. Include your remote teams in every office project, meeting, Fun Fridays (in case you’re one of those agencies).
CEO: What’s a Fun Friday?
Gary: It’s a criminal offense of the first degree. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to hire remote creative talent?
Policeman 2: We need clear and unambiguous responses, sir. We obviously don’t want to sound like we were made up for a promotional blog.
CEO (slobbering over his ice cream): It’s amazing. But doesn’t it sound like a lot of work? How would I know where
Policeman 2: The InCommon team will help.
Gary: That’s what they’re there for.
CEO: Who that?
Gary & Policeman2 stare at each other for 5 seconds, raise their guns and shoot the ice cream-covered CEO in the head.